A Response to Thomas Sumstattd Article on Courtship

Lately a lot of talk has been circulating among my Christian friends about an article entitled, "Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed."  Doug Wilson has posted his always-poignant response, "Why Courtship is Fundamentally Awed." Read them both before you read my response.

SO MUCH of this article is based on the author's personal experience. My experience is the opposite. My husband and I were raised in public school and are products of the cultural failings of the dating system of the 70s and 80s. We were burned; yet God in His grace brought us together and we have been married 30 years. We now have five children, and the biblical courtship model has been very helpful to us in raising them.

We also started a Christian ministry offering families opportunities to mix and mingle with other like-minded families so our young people would be exposed to a healthy community of prospective future marriage partners.  We did not isolate our children from their peers, but we did set up an atmosphere of selectivity which allowed for a good-quality peer environment with a parental presence. This article woefully ignores the social environment that should be provided for by families in their home.

I'm sorry to hear of so many fathers being rude to those suitors. That should not be. Fathers should allow these potential-suitor young men to come hang out with the family in low-pressure situations (dinner, coffee, music-making, games, etc.) where siblings of all ages are allowed into the circle of fellowship. These young men ought to be allowed the same polite company as anyone else. They are younger brothers and disciples for the fathers in the long haul, regardless of their future marriage potential with their daughters. But alas, this again has not been our practice, nor have we observed others acting in this way. (Except perhaps in one case :P.)

Any system has its flaws because mankind is flawed. We have married off our three eldest children and our fourth is now in a courtship. We have made mistakes with each courtship, learned from our mistakes, and honed our skills with each one. We have acted on a case-by-case basis, keeping in mind the age of the children. An 18yo daughter is treated slightly differently from a 21yo daughter. An 18yo suitor likewise would be treated differently than a 24yo. We take them where they are and go from there, allowing various levels of autonomy based on their readiness and spiritual condition. I still think this is a more biblical model than dating, however way you define it.

My parents dated in the 40s and married in 1950. They did not have this no-exclusivity rule imposed on them, so it was not universal in those days, at this article seems to suggest.  My mother did not listen to her mother's warnings, and her father said nothing in criticism until after the marriage, which by then was too late. My parents' marriage was dysfunctional from the beginning until my father's death two years ago.

If you build your case and doctrine on personal experience alone, you won't be able to stand very long on such a sandy foundation. Courtship is not fundamentally flawed, it is biblical. The devil is in the details. Yes, some folks can go overboard with the principles and be unbalanced. That does not mean one should throw out the baby with the bathwater. I'm glad the suitors who came to ask permission to court our daughters did not take offense at the father's involvement. The key is the attitude and behavior of the father, who in every case is human. Cut the father some slack. He's still trying to figure this out too.

This article is disrespectful and presumptuous regarding the father's motives--an attitude you will NOT find supported by scripture!

The cultural slide into the workplace

So I was looking at these beautiful color photos taken during the war effort in WWII, in which America's women were building warheads and airships so their men could defend the country (click below).

And I pondered the women manning the factories. I consider it unfortunate that the "emergency" conditions of wartime then became the basis for peacetime practice. Once they were in the workforce, fighting for freedom and America so the boys could serve in battle, many women saw little reason to return home. It no doubt felt more glamorous and fulfilling to be with adults in the daytime, rather than staying home with children, who showed little gratitude, made messes, and could just as easily be sent to the state babysitter-- er, I mean, public school.

I too found it difficult when my eldest two children were babies to find life at home fulfilling. I taught part-time in the public schools as a music and math teacher. I liked being around adult teachers from whom I received encouragement, and the paycheck I brought home gave tangible evidence of a job well done. It was so seductive, so appealing. At the same time, I fought feelings of guilt, that I wasn't caring for my children well. It was a miracle how God worked in my heart to bring me home with contentment. 

This link will take you to a site with more Kodachrome color photos taken during World War II.

End of Year Family Newsletter

 At a glance - 2011

It’s hard to believe John and I have been married twenty-seven years, but it’s true. Aaron has transitioned out of marketing for Sleaddventures and is working as a computer programmer for John Deere Co. from home; he is living in our guesthouse. Alexa has graduated from high school and is studying college courses from home. She traveled to Jacksonville, FL to compete and won third in the nation in a right-to-life speech contest.
Caleb is a freshman in high school and has surpassed his mother in height. Nathan’s ziplinegear.com continues to grow, adding an exciting new product soon. Nathanael continues as his warehouse manager. Nathan and Colleen produced a new granddaughter, Ember Felicity, born January 13th. Naomi and Nathanael had a third son,
Wyatt Benjamin, on May 23rd. That makes five grandchildren for us. All of our children are living in Grants Pass.  

Alexa's graduation photo Courtesy Josh Eddy

 December Happenings

Our month of flurried celebrations included a Messiah sing-along, a Christmas parade, at which we caroled the townspeople; a Masquerade Ball; another caroling party; a church Christmas party at the McMurrays’; a whole-family gathering at our house; and Christmas Day services at Household of Faith. Below, you see us at my folks' house for their 61st anniversary.

Below: Ember, 9 months; Wyatt, hours old

Coast trips
John and the three kids spent a week last summer on the Oregon coast and up the Columbia River. In October John and Arden flew up to Portland and drove from there to Cannon Beach to be part of a couple’s retreat for Household of Faith elders and deacons from around the country. We live in a beautiful state! 

Cape Blanco

 Ft. Stevens, the only fort attacked on the mainland by Japanese in WWII--shelled by a submarine

Health update: erythromelalgia and lead poisoning

The year held some all-time highs and lows for Arden’s health. Last summer she became housebound and finally wheelchair-dependent as her feet were unbearably hot, red, and swollen, exacerbated by the heat outdoors. She unwittingly made it worse with ice. After going off the ice cold turkey and going to ER twice with unbearable pain, she saw some improvement. The heat and swelling is still a daily reality managed with cold packs, fans, and a drug called Lyrica (wow! it really works!), but at least she has her mobility and productivity back. Thank the Lord! The cool winter weather also helps greatly. She is also having chelation therapy for lead poisoning. Results are pending.
 

Remodeling

Our hobby room got a facelift with new windows, laminate floor, trim and heat pump. The laundry room was finished off with new ceramic-tile floor and cabinets. The kitchen
now has an island—the final phase of our kitchen add-on project started two summers ago. We have lived in this wonderful house for sixteen years!

Have a happy and blessed 2012! From the Sleadd Family

More Personal Stuff

Here is my lovely daughter Alexa, about to turn 15 next Monday. We will be throwing a birthday party for her Saturday with several families splashing in the pool and eating barbecued delights. Hopefully the heat will be more moderate. John and the boys have slaved away around the pool, putting in a cement walkway and improving the landscape. Sprinkler systems and hoses are in constant need of repair and replacement, so it is taking up much of John's time.

Here also is my son Nathan with his intended. He and Colleen were engaged last Friday while overlooking the Grants Pass sunset on the end of Highland Drive. Sigh.

And then, there is my daughter Naomi with baby Boone. Naomi and Nathanael informed us Saturday that she is expecting number 2! What a perfectly blissful weekend for this grandmother!

Personal Notes

I am back home with the family after two weeks spent with my mother and father while he recovered from several serious complications. I am humbled by how complicated end-of-life issues have gotten in the face of medical costs, advanced methods, a plethora of pharmaceuticals, Medicare, and insurance. It is no easy thing to decide how far one should go in using invasive measures to extend the life of the elderly. "Natural death" has become a mythological standard, and the presence of state funding encourages doctors to try heroic measures that may only cause more suffering in the long run.
I am adamantly pro-life, and have always felt that the least the doctors should do is feed and hydrate the patient to the very end, however artificially. Now I know that it is not so easy. A feeding tube may cause the patient to aspirate and vomit; an i.v. may repeatedly "fail" in fragile blood vessels, emptying its contents in the subcutaneous layer and causing great pain.
Then there is the issue of the role of the state. With the availability of Medicare, private insurance companies often refuse coverage until the state coverage has run out, leaving those (like myself) who have a principled objection to state involvement in a quandary.
There is no doubt that my dad would have expired by now without Medicare-funded intervention this month. It has allowed him another chance to prepare for the hereafter. For that I am grateful.
On the other hand, the same conditions that threatened his life (diabetes and cholesterol blockage in the vessels) remain, and he will still die from complications caused by them. His legs which were on the verge of amputation have been saved by stenting, at least for now. For how long, we don't know. He complained bitterly about his treatment in the hospital and rehab facility, though he got decent, pleasant service and they did save his life. The costs may approach $100,000 by the time all bills arrive. Was it justified?
If Medicare hadn't been available...private insurance would have kicked in. If my parents couldn't afford insurance...my dad would have stayed home, cared for by my sacrificially-loving mother, and suffered greatly in his slow, "natural" death.
We surely need an extra dose of wisdom to know how to apply Biblical principles in this modern age.

Visiting my folks

I am posting this blog from my mother's home an hour away from our town. My 83yo father is in the hospital with various complications due to vascular disease and diabetes. It has been touch-and-go for over a week and we still are not out of the woods. He has serious complex wounds on his feet, fighting gangrene, and his i.v.'s keeping failing. My mother has been a real trooper, trying to dress his wounds herself at home, and now is running back and forth to the hospital to make sure he eats right, etc. She is a real inspiration. I hope I learn to be half as compassionate and caring as she is.
With Father's Day coming up, I decided I needed to honor my father and spend this week here to be available and help them in whatever little ways I can. We never know how many more days we have together. John is holding down the fort at home, finishing up the last week of homeschool with the kids. God Bless him.
At age 50, family life is coming at me from both directions, as it is for my sister. Motherhood seems to only grow in its job description with the passing of time. On my plate are such things as: 1. supporting my 18yo son's courtship and developing a relationship with my prospective daughter-in-love; 2. helping my 20yo daughter as she grows in motherhood and raises my grandson; 3. raising my three left at home, including homeschooling my 11yo son, training my 14yo daughter in homemaking skills, and helping my 16yo son venture into moneymaking and career-planning; 4. being a secretary, helpmeet and hostess to my husband's pastoral work; 5. care for aging grandparents. I must remind myself that all mothers have walked this road before me and managed famously. So I will stop patting myself on the back for how much I do. It's God plan for shaping and moulding us. And what a ride it is.