So we were studying 2 Samuel 7 and 1 Chronicles 17 in the women's Bible study. It tells about King David wanting to build a temple, and God's response to him. God says (and I paraphrase), "Have I been complaining about not having a house of cedar? Have I asked for one? It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in...I will build for you a house. I will raise up your offspring after you, one of your own sons, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for me...I will not take my steadfast love from him, but I will confirm him in my house and in my kingdom forever..."
I am not one to put much stock in what I think I hear God saying to me, because I have ended up being wrong too many times. But in this instance God's message to me was clear as crystal. He was saying, "All these activities you are involved in, that you are trying to do for my name? They are good things. They just aren't what I have in mind for YOU. I have others in mind for them. I have given you children, and a home, and I will raise up others from your house to do those things, to carry out the pro-life message, to save babies, to spread the gospel, to change the world. You concentrate on your own house, and I will bless the results. You plant and water your seeds there, focus on your children, and I will cause the growth."
Oh how I argued with God then. I said, "But God, I have already made all these new commitments. I can't be flaky. Surely you don't want me to flake out?!" and I didn't pay heed. Oh how I wish I had listened.
Within months I fell ill with mycoplasmal bronchitis, followed by hypothyroidism, followed by fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Twenty-one years later, I am still sick, often house-bound by the symptoms. I am convinced God placed a severe mercy on me, to stop the treadmill I was on and give my heart to my children. He loves those whom he chastens.
So is it contentment or duty that drives me in my service at home? Sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other. When I am not content, I do what I know is right, out of duty, but most of the time I love what I do at home. It gives me plenty of scope for the imagination, to take dominion right here on our acre of wooded ground. I only grieve that my health doesn't allow me to do more, but I know my worth is not defined by what I do so much as who I AM, in Christ.
And now, I have an eighteen-year-old daughter who has won national awards for her speaking up for the right to life. She visits college campuses and spreads the message of life. God has fulfilled his promises to me. God is good.
Showing posts with label woman come home; career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label woman come home; career. Show all posts
Monday, April 23, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The cultural slide into the workplace
So I was looking at these beautiful color photos taken during the war effort in WWII, in which America's women were building warheads and airships so their men could defend the country (click below).
And I pondered the women manning the factories. I consider it unfortunate that the "emergency" conditions of wartime then became the basis for peacetime practice. Once they were in the workforce, fighting for freedom and America so the boys could serve in battle, many women saw little reason to return home. It no doubt felt more glamorous and fulfilling to be with adults in the daytime, rather than staying home with children, who showed little gratitude, made messes, and could just as easily be sent to the state babysitter-- er, I mean, public school.
I too found it difficult when my eldest two children were babies to find life at home fulfilling. I taught part-time in the public schools as a music and math teacher. I liked being around adult teachers from whom I received encouragement, and the paycheck I brought home gave tangible evidence of a job well done. It was so seductive, so appealing. At the same time, I fought feelings of guilt, that I wasn't caring for my children well. It was a miracle how God worked in my heart to bring me home with contentment.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Woman's Calling: Helper
I have been praying and thinking about hosting a mother-daughter tea and wondering what I should share as a devotional. God is giving me a whole bunch of good tidbits to share. Now I need to organize them. For now here is a tidbit.
Women were created to be helpers--a comparable help-mate for her man. See Genesis 1. The Holy Spirit is called the Paraclete, which is Greek for Helper. So we women are a type of the Third Person of the Trinity in that we are also helpers. If even Almighty God is called our Helper, should we then feel demeaned by such a title?
What are some characteristics of the Holy Spirit that we can emulate?
1. He does not seek His own glory, but that of another. When the name of Jesus Christ is exalted, the Holy Spirit is at work. The Holy Spirit operates by the motto "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30)
2. He helps by providing the support, the strength, the power necessary for others to flourish.
3. He works almost secretively, in cognito. His effective work is often mistaken for that of another, often human, agent. Yet He is okay with that, for He does not seek His own glory. "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8)
Doesn't this describe well our condition as home-centered women? We often work to assist our husbands so they can flourish in the marketplace or civic circle. Yet we do not get a lot of credit for it. Our names are "lost" in that of our husbands when we take on their surname. In earlier days a woman would even give up her first name in public by signing "Mrs. John Smith". Douglas Wilson, in his book Reforming Marriage, points out that this practice was rooted in a biblical understanding of a wife's role as helper. It rubs most of us the wrong way today, steeped as we are in egalitarian thought.
SO we must ask ourselves the hard questions: am I willing to give up my identity for the sake of my husband's name? Do I love him enough to lose myself in him? Am I willing to focus on his needs more than my own, and break my back for his benefit?
This is no more than what Christ did for me: "7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil. 2) Can I do any less?
Mr. Wilson also points out that a man's calling is defined by what type of occupation he chooses, while a woman's calling is defined more by the particular man she is called to help. Not what she does, but who she helps.
A woman's activities are not limited to the home; nor are they narrow in scope and aspect. She can help her husband with his occupation; if she is widowed, she can fill the shoes he emptied, for her continued support. She can consider a field and buy it, and steward it to bring him and her children greater wealth.
If a woman goes to work for another man or woman, however, she needs to consider--is she helping her own husband to flourish, or is another man benefiting more from her help?
Women were created to be helpers--a comparable help-mate for her man. See Genesis 1. The Holy Spirit is called the Paraclete, which is Greek for Helper. So we women are a type of the Third Person of the Trinity in that we are also helpers. If even Almighty God is called our Helper, should we then feel demeaned by such a title?
What are some characteristics of the Holy Spirit that we can emulate?
1. He does not seek His own glory, but that of another. When the name of Jesus Christ is exalted, the Holy Spirit is at work. The Holy Spirit operates by the motto "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30)
2. He helps by providing the support, the strength, the power necessary for others to flourish.
3. He works almost secretively, in cognito. His effective work is often mistaken for that of another, often human, agent. Yet He is okay with that, for He does not seek His own glory. "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8)
Doesn't this describe well our condition as home-centered women? We often work to assist our husbands so they can flourish in the marketplace or civic circle. Yet we do not get a lot of credit for it. Our names are "lost" in that of our husbands when we take on their surname. In earlier days a woman would even give up her first name in public by signing "Mrs. John Smith". Douglas Wilson, in his book Reforming Marriage, points out that this practice was rooted in a biblical understanding of a wife's role as helper. It rubs most of us the wrong way today, steeped as we are in egalitarian thought.
SO we must ask ourselves the hard questions: am I willing to give up my identity for the sake of my husband's name? Do I love him enough to lose myself in him? Am I willing to focus on his needs more than my own, and break my back for his benefit?
This is no more than what Christ did for me: "7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil. 2) Can I do any less?
Mr. Wilson also points out that a man's calling is defined by what type of occupation he chooses, while a woman's calling is defined more by the particular man she is called to help. Not what she does, but who she helps.
A woman's activities are not limited to the home; nor are they narrow in scope and aspect. She can help her husband with his occupation; if she is widowed, she can fill the shoes he emptied, for her continued support. She can consider a field and buy it, and steward it to bring him and her children greater wealth.
If a woman goes to work for another man or woman, however, she needs to consider--is she helping her own husband to flourish, or is another man benefiting more from her help?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Woman Come Home - Chapter 2
Six years ago when John and I started Covered Bridge Family Ministries, I presented an article at our first family seminar called, “Woman Come Home: My Personal Journey from Career Woman to Contented Homemaker”. You can read the article as my first entry on this blog. As the name of the article implies, I am on a journey to achieving contentment in the home; I have not arrived. I’m still a sinner. So this is sequel to that article.
I want to start off by honoring my mother today (Mother's Day). My husband and children would concur with me that Grandma Voyla is a very loving, nurturing, caring person. She has the instinct of a mother. She would love to gather the whole world under her wings like a mother hen gathers her chicks if she could. Somewhere along the line, however, this nurturing instinct was not passed on to me. I am much more task-oriented than people-oriented. My mother has said that I tended to keep my business to myself and didn’t talk much when I was younger. I believe part of the reason I didn’t turn out like her is that I didn’t have much time with her. I attended 13 years of public school, four years of college to get my teaching degree, and another year in graduate school for my masters. That’s a lot of seat-hours spent away from Mom. In addition, my mother returned to the work force when I was only four years old and my sister was two. I understand why she went back to work; she has explained to me that my father was so sparse with the praise and heavy on the criticism that, in her words, “I would have become a nothing if I’d stayed home”. So, she sought personal affirmation from the working world.
Kevin Swanson, in his article, “The Re-integrated Family and the Return of Love,” pointed out that forty years ago, when I was about ten, only about 2% of children under six were without their moms during the daytime hours. That figure is now at 64%. I was one of those 2%; my sister and I were latch-key children before such a term existed. I’m here to tell you, it was a lonely existence. When Mom came home late from work, I could tell she was too tired or distracted to go deep with me. I somehow thought that my experiences at school were my own burden to bear.
When my husband and I married, we determined that we would do things differently; I would stay home with the children. There was one big problem; I had spent my life preparing myself for the working world outside the home; my mother had modeled that paradigm for me; and I didn’t know how to be content in the home.
In my article I describe how I ended up working part-time anyway while our two eldest children were born, and how I was faced with the stark reality that I was repeating history; I had lost my daughter’s heart; and she was only two or three. Due to financial choices we had made, it took me another year or two to finally come home for good. But you see, there was still the issue of my own heart. I had also thrown myself into volunteer work. When I was home, I had found myself on the phone, cooking up more commitments. I gave prolife speeches in the high schools; I debated Planned Parenthood on the college campuses, on radio and television; I led a Concerned Women for America chapter, and was in the church choir. You see, I was still seeking strokes from the adult world, just as my mother had. Whenever I got on the phone, I noticed my children would suddenly create a crisis, interrupting me and trying to get my attention. As soon as I got off, they would settle down and be fine. They were competing with the telephone for my attentions. They knew they didn’t have my heart.
Oh, and did I mention I was in Bible Study Fellowship too? Well, that was probably my best decision. We were studying the Life of David one week, and we got to the chapter where King David shares his desire to build a temple for the Lord with the prophet Nathan. The Lord gave Nathan a message, and these words were like a sword into my heart: “(I Chronicles 17:4) Thus says the Lord: It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in…Moreover, I declare to you that I, the Lord will build you a house. When your days are fulfilled to walk with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring after, one of your own sons, and I will establish his kingdom.” When I read that, I knew beyond any doubt that these words were for me. God was saying, “All this work you are doing for me is good—the babies you’re trying to save, the church work, the political changes you’re working for—but it’s not what I have called you to do.”
Well, I argued with God. “But Lord, I’ve made all these commitments, I’ve started a new prolife council, etc. etc. I can’t afford to be flakey!” So I didn’t hear directly from the Lord anymore. But what did happen was that my health went south—fast.
In ‘92, six months after I had quit teaching and come home, I became very ill with hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. The chronic pain and fatigue are still progressing today, seventeen years later, in spite of my visiting at least sixteen different doctors and trying dozens of treatments.
That was the same year I had started homeschooling my children. Naomi was four, Nathan was two, and I had a newborn, Aaron. (He’s graduating from high school next week.) I had thought, if I can teach other people’s children, I can certainly teach my own. But here I was, getting sick and sicker. I wanted desperately to do right by my children—to give them my best, my all—and now I didn’t know if I’d have the strength.
It has been and still is a struggle. When I am in pain, I tend to be more stressed and irritable. I will push myself through the pain, and deal too harshly with the children. They often don’t know what In the world is wrong with Mom. Sometimes I don’t know myself. Then when the pain lifts temporarily, I feel so much better that I tend to be aggressive, trying to catch up for lost time. My husband has often said, “You must be feeling better. You’re getting feisty again.” There were some years when I was so debilitated by the pain that John stepped in and put four of our children in public school. (Caleb was still preschool-age, so I kept him and taught him at home, by hook and by crook.) Those were the darkest four years of my life. The constant pain, along with my sense of failure and uselessness, caused a lot of deep depression. We soon realized we were losing all our children’s hearts in a hurry, and John finally came to the conclusion that if necessary, he would homeschool them himself while working fulltime, and he brought them back home. I was so relieved.
I have found various ways to keep going, managing the household and homeschooling my five children. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I haven’t time share the details of our curricular methods.
Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” I have learned that my greatest gift from God—my greatest treasure—is my life, and my life is measured in time. The greatest treasure I have to give my children is my time. And though it’s a struggle even now to give them my heart, because of my past choices, I know God will honor His promises and raise up my children to build a house on a sure foundation that will last forever.
Two words of advice I have for mothers and young ladies aspiring to be mothers.
1. Guard your heart.
2. Give up your rights.
We women must guard our own hearts from being seduced by the world’s voices that say it’s more satisfying out there, away from home, than it is being at home with our children. We must guard the way we spend our time, choosing activities that will help us be content with the limitless possibilities that await us in our own homes. Then we can more effectively guard our children’s hearts from the influences of the world that continually call out to them.
And we must give up our right, to have control of our time, and our right to adult companionship. Jesus said, “He who seeks to save his life shall lose it; but he who seeks to lose his life for my sake shall find it.” There is indeed great joy awaiting us if we seek his kingdom first, and all these things shall be added to us.
Now the leaders and founders of Household of Faith Community Church say that we are not a homeschool church. We are a parental discipleship church. I take that to mean whatever model works best for parents to maximize the time they spend with their children in order to make them their primary disciples, that’s the schooling model they should choose. I admit I am not without bias; I think the superior model for discipling children is through homeschooling them. I can’t think of a better way to have the most and best of your time with your children than to homeschool them. Our primary reason is relational. Elizabeth Smith wrote an article called “10 Reasons to Homeschool Teens”. Her #1 reason is: “Cement family relationships. Relationships are the most important thing in family life. When teens are away from home for six to eight hours a day, subtle changes begin to erode relationships at home. Divided allegiance or “serving two masters” can shake their foundation. THE RESULT IS DIMINISHED FAMILY TIES AND PARENTAL INFLUENCE.” She also says, “Age/grade isolation or segregation inhibits socialization.” This was certainly our experience.
Are you making your children your primary disciples? Do you have their heart? Do they have yours?
I often ask myself that question and wonder. I have indeed come a long way, through God’s severe mercy upon me, in re-prioritizing my time, but I often have a hunch that if I weren’t still sick, I would be saying yes to too many “good” options to fill my time, which would divert my attention and energies away from my children, and now my grandchildren. I would love to be taking on tutoring students, or teaching this class or leading that women’s bible study or discussion group. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t picture myself doing such things. And then reality sets in and I must tell myself “no”. I can say, however, that I am very content in my own home now. I do wish I could practice more hospitality there. The hardest part is saying no to John, who I’m sure is disappointed that I don’t have guests over very often. I only know God must have his reasons. I also God will heal me, someday. The only question is, when?
I want to start off by honoring my mother today (Mother's Day). My husband and children would concur with me that Grandma Voyla is a very loving, nurturing, caring person. She has the instinct of a mother. She would love to gather the whole world under her wings like a mother hen gathers her chicks if she could. Somewhere along the line, however, this nurturing instinct was not passed on to me. I am much more task-oriented than people-oriented. My mother has said that I tended to keep my business to myself and didn’t talk much when I was younger. I believe part of the reason I didn’t turn out like her is that I didn’t have much time with her. I attended 13 years of public school, four years of college to get my teaching degree, and another year in graduate school for my masters. That’s a lot of seat-hours spent away from Mom. In addition, my mother returned to the work force when I was only four years old and my sister was two. I understand why she went back to work; she has explained to me that my father was so sparse with the praise and heavy on the criticism that, in her words, “I would have become a nothing if I’d stayed home”. So, she sought personal affirmation from the working world.
Kevin Swanson, in his article, “The Re-integrated Family and the Return of Love,” pointed out that forty years ago, when I was about ten, only about 2% of children under six were without their moms during the daytime hours. That figure is now at 64%. I was one of those 2%; my sister and I were latch-key children before such a term existed. I’m here to tell you, it was a lonely existence. When Mom came home late from work, I could tell she was too tired or distracted to go deep with me. I somehow thought that my experiences at school were my own burden to bear.
When my husband and I married, we determined that we would do things differently; I would stay home with the children. There was one big problem; I had spent my life preparing myself for the working world outside the home; my mother had modeled that paradigm for me; and I didn’t know how to be content in the home.
In my article I describe how I ended up working part-time anyway while our two eldest children were born, and how I was faced with the stark reality that I was repeating history; I had lost my daughter’s heart; and she was only two or three. Due to financial choices we had made, it took me another year or two to finally come home for good. But you see, there was still the issue of my own heart. I had also thrown myself into volunteer work. When I was home, I had found myself on the phone, cooking up more commitments. I gave prolife speeches in the high schools; I debated Planned Parenthood on the college campuses, on radio and television; I led a Concerned Women for America chapter, and was in the church choir. You see, I was still seeking strokes from the adult world, just as my mother had. Whenever I got on the phone, I noticed my children would suddenly create a crisis, interrupting me and trying to get my attention. As soon as I got off, they would settle down and be fine. They were competing with the telephone for my attentions. They knew they didn’t have my heart.
Oh, and did I mention I was in Bible Study Fellowship too? Well, that was probably my best decision. We were studying the Life of David one week, and we got to the chapter where King David shares his desire to build a temple for the Lord with the prophet Nathan. The Lord gave Nathan a message, and these words were like a sword into my heart: “(I Chronicles 17:4) Thus says the Lord: It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in…Moreover, I declare to you that I, the Lord will build you a house. When your days are fulfilled to walk with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring after, one of your own sons, and I will establish his kingdom.” When I read that, I knew beyond any doubt that these words were for me. God was saying, “All this work you are doing for me is good—the babies you’re trying to save, the church work, the political changes you’re working for—but it’s not what I have called you to do.”
Well, I argued with God. “But Lord, I’ve made all these commitments, I’ve started a new prolife council, etc. etc. I can’t afford to be flakey!” So I didn’t hear directly from the Lord anymore. But what did happen was that my health went south—fast.
In ‘92, six months after I had quit teaching and come home, I became very ill with hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. The chronic pain and fatigue are still progressing today, seventeen years later, in spite of my visiting at least sixteen different doctors and trying dozens of treatments.
That was the same year I had started homeschooling my children. Naomi was four, Nathan was two, and I had a newborn, Aaron. (He’s graduating from high school next week.) I had thought, if I can teach other people’s children, I can certainly teach my own. But here I was, getting sick and sicker. I wanted desperately to do right by my children—to give them my best, my all—and now I didn’t know if I’d have the strength.
It has been and still is a struggle. When I am in pain, I tend to be more stressed and irritable. I will push myself through the pain, and deal too harshly with the children. They often don’t know what In the world is wrong with Mom. Sometimes I don’t know myself. Then when the pain lifts temporarily, I feel so much better that I tend to be aggressive, trying to catch up for lost time. My husband has often said, “You must be feeling better. You’re getting feisty again.” There were some years when I was so debilitated by the pain that John stepped in and put four of our children in public school. (Caleb was still preschool-age, so I kept him and taught him at home, by hook and by crook.) Those were the darkest four years of my life. The constant pain, along with my sense of failure and uselessness, caused a lot of deep depression. We soon realized we were losing all our children’s hearts in a hurry, and John finally came to the conclusion that if necessary, he would homeschool them himself while working fulltime, and he brought them back home. I was so relieved.
I have found various ways to keep going, managing the household and homeschooling my five children. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I haven’t time share the details of our curricular methods.
Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” I have learned that my greatest gift from God—my greatest treasure—is my life, and my life is measured in time. The greatest treasure I have to give my children is my time. And though it’s a struggle even now to give them my heart, because of my past choices, I know God will honor His promises and raise up my children to build a house on a sure foundation that will last forever.
Two words of advice I have for mothers and young ladies aspiring to be mothers.
1. Guard your heart.
2. Give up your rights.
We women must guard our own hearts from being seduced by the world’s voices that say it’s more satisfying out there, away from home, than it is being at home with our children. We must guard the way we spend our time, choosing activities that will help us be content with the limitless possibilities that await us in our own homes. Then we can more effectively guard our children’s hearts from the influences of the world that continually call out to them.
And we must give up our right, to have control of our time, and our right to adult companionship. Jesus said, “He who seeks to save his life shall lose it; but he who seeks to lose his life for my sake shall find it.” There is indeed great joy awaiting us if we seek his kingdom first, and all these things shall be added to us.
Now the leaders and founders of Household of Faith Community Church say that we are not a homeschool church. We are a parental discipleship church. I take that to mean whatever model works best for parents to maximize the time they spend with their children in order to make them their primary disciples, that’s the schooling model they should choose. I admit I am not without bias; I think the superior model for discipling children is through homeschooling them. I can’t think of a better way to have the most and best of your time with your children than to homeschool them. Our primary reason is relational. Elizabeth Smith wrote an article called “10 Reasons to Homeschool Teens”. Her #1 reason is: “Cement family relationships. Relationships are the most important thing in family life. When teens are away from home for six to eight hours a day, subtle changes begin to erode relationships at home. Divided allegiance or “serving two masters” can shake their foundation. THE RESULT IS DIMINISHED FAMILY TIES AND PARENTAL INFLUENCE.” She also says, “Age/grade isolation or segregation inhibits socialization.” This was certainly our experience.
Are you making your children your primary disciples? Do you have their heart? Do they have yours?
I often ask myself that question and wonder. I have indeed come a long way, through God’s severe mercy upon me, in re-prioritizing my time, but I often have a hunch that if I weren’t still sick, I would be saying yes to too many “good” options to fill my time, which would divert my attention and energies away from my children, and now my grandchildren. I would love to be taking on tutoring students, or teaching this class or leading that women’s bible study or discussion group. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t picture myself doing such things. And then reality sets in and I must tell myself “no”. I can say, however, that I am very content in my own home now. I do wish I could practice more hospitality there. The hardest part is saying no to John, who I’m sure is disappointed that I don’t have guests over very often. I only know God must have his reasons. I also God will heal me, someday. The only question is, when?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Woman Come Home
Woman Come Home:
My Personal Journey from
Career Woman to Contented Homemaker
By Arden Sleadd
During my engagement to John in 1983, we watched the film series, “Focus on the Family” with Dr. James Dobson. The film was very influential in shaping how we would raise our future family. We agreed that it would be best if I were able to stay home fulltime with the children once they were born; but in the meantime, we had college debts to pay off, and John still had coursework to finish, so we delayed starting our family, and I continued to work as I had done before we married.
Our first child, Naomi, was born a month after John completed his teacher certification. He soon found his first teaching job in another state. In the weeks that we prepared to move with our newborn baby, I received a call from the school district John was about to work for, asking me to work for them as well. It entailed only one hour a day, teaching remedial math at the high school. They knew I was a certified teacher from comments John had made during his interview. I felt flattered that they would offer me a job sight unseen, and I thought, Well, one hour a day isn’t that much; I’ll still have most of my time at home..., so I accepted their offer.
A week later the phone rang again: “Would you be willing to teach a second class, in Music Theory and Piano?” Now they were really talking my language; that was in my area of certification. The one hour a day had become two hours, but that still seemed manageable, so I said yes.
Weeks later we had moved to California, away from any family members, and we were suddenly faced with the reality of finding a stranger to leave our child with every day, five days a week. I hadn’t really thought about that. We inquired among staff at the school and at the church we visited for daycare providers. While we did find some very nice Christian ladies offering daycare in their homes, we still ended up using five different caregivers in the ensuing four years.
I soon found another unintended consequence, related to my heart. I really enjoyed my work; I found myself drawn to the work environment. I wanted to be a good, thorough, loyal employee. So by the time I had written lesson plans, cleaned up the classroom, graded papers, and driven back and forth to daycare, I was actually away from my daughter (and later Nathan my son) for four hours a day. The one hour had stretched into four, and the daily routine of dropping them off meant they still went through the separation experience five times a week.
By the time Naomi was two years old, I began to observe some disturbing behaviors in her. She started a habit of screaming and kicking all the way home in her car seat after I picked her up. I soon learned about “separation anxiety”, and I knew instinctively this was her problem. Every day I was rush-rush-rushing to get her dressed and out the door, leaving her to bond with another woman for four hours a day, only to whisk her away again, feed her lunch and put her down for a nap. She was getting the message loud and clear: my schedule, my job, my need to be someplace else, was more important to me than she was. She was feeling rejected repeatedly, day in and day out.
She expressed her feelings of rejection by being uncooperative whenever I came to take her home from the babysitters. I got her message loud and clear as well: “If you reject me by dropping me off here every day, I’m rejecting you when you take me back.”
She expressed her feelings of rejection by being uncooperative whenever I came to take her home from the babysitters. I got her message loud and clear as well: “If you reject me by dropping me off here every day, I’m rejecting you when you take me back.”
I shared my concern with John, and after some discussion about our finances, we decided that I would work for two more years. But that was as long as a lifetime to Naomi; I should have quit that very day and bit the financial bullet. Our relationship was already in disrepair. We were not bonded together like they should have been.
I did finally come home to stay after the birth of Aaron, our third-born child, but the repercussions of my early mistakes followed us for many years. Naomi had learned to seek friendships outside the home and to withhold her heart from me. By the time she reached fourth grade she had no desire to be homeschooled (I had been homeschooling from kindergarten on). When she was eleven years old, I remember saying to John, “I’ve lost my daughter. Things are not right between us”.
Pastor S. M. Davis has produced some teaching tapes called “Changing the Heart of a Rebel”, and “Why the Devil Wants Your Firstborn”. The titles alone are powerful. If things aren’t right with the oldest child, it flows down to all the rest of the siblings and infects the whole family. Pastor Davis gave us some concrete steps that have helped us to win our children’s hearts back, and by following his advice we have largely succeeded.
I’m happy to say that as a result of my husband’s responding to the Holy Spirit, and his repentant soft heart while he reclaimed leadership in our home, most of the “lost territory” of Naomi’s heart has been reclaimed. I am in awe at how God has worked to turn her back to us, as a result of her father doing so first. I couldn’t have done it on my own, though heaven knows I tried. It was John who had to lead before the changes could occur.
I share this with you by way of warning to you mothers, and to you young ladies as future mothers, to guard your heart carefully. I know it is possible that you could have a job outside the home and never be drawn away like I was; but how would you know ahead of time?
There is an almost seductive quality to the workplace.* I’ve had women say to me, “Oh, but I love my job,” and, “I use my job as a ministry.” Of course, you love your job! There are adults there; you can put your best face forward and look like you’ve really got it together; you get tangible rewards for your work (i.e. money) and intangible rewards as well. It strokes our egos. But that should be all the more reason to stay away from the workplace.
It is no wonder God says this in His Word, “The aged women likewise...that they may teach the young women to...love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blasphemed.” (Titus 2:3-5, KJV) Those are strong words. The word in the Greek for “keeper” here means literally one who guards; the gate-keeper keeps the gate by not allowing intruders through; a home-keeper doesn’t just clean house and cook; she guards the home with her very presence. She guards it not only from intruders, but from negative influences that may invade her home; she protects the atmosphere there; she sets the tone for the home environment. She is home-centered. It would be difficult to keep a home very well while absent most of the time.
I have experienced three pitfalls that a woman risks falling into if she seeks a career outside the home.
Pitfall #1: A woman may find her own heart and loyalties become divided. Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:21, KJV) Have you ever considered that one of your greatest treasures is your time? If you divide your time between your home and your job, you may find that your heart, and your loyalties, may be divided as well. Jesus said, “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon”—or, money.
When I worked for another boss outside the home, it was no longer my husband who called the shots for me—it was my boss. The boss determined my schedule, my time use--which was my life. In contrast, the scriptures indicate that my husband is my lord, with a lower-case l. Sarah called Abraham “my lord,” and she was praised for it in the New Testament (1 Peter 3:6). God is our Lord with a capital L.
When you become a wife, you become your husband’s helpmate, working side by side with him to gain dominion for the Lord. But when you work for another man or woman, your loyalties are inevitably divided.
Our children’s hearts are even more tender. They’re looking for a place to camp. They will naturally bond with the daycare workers and teachers who come and go out of their lives, and their hearts will be wrenched each time. Protect your children’s hearts.
Pitfall #2: the health of a woman and her children may be compromised. Daycare nurseries are virtual germ factories (as are the public schools, by the way). When I was working I felt pressure to work even when my children were sick. Oftentimes I went back to work when they were still not fully recovered. I am convinced that my own overwork during those child-bearing years contributed to my contracting a chronic disease which I fight to this day.
Pitfall #3: the Word of God may be blasphemed. See Titus 2:5 again: we are to be keepers at home, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Other translations use the words dishonored and reviled. Do we, as women who claim the name of Christ, really want to take the risk of blaspheming God’s word? That is a heavy responsibility placed on us in this passage, but we cannot escape it. Note that Paul addresses not mothers alone, or even wives alone, but all women—young women in particular. That would include our single young ladies—of any age.
As a side note for young unmarried maidens, my advice is this: if you will learn to serve your father in your home, and seek to find delight and contentment through honoring your father, you will be much better prepared to serve your future husband. If you want to be a great wife some day, start practicing on your dad. You don’t hear that kind of advice in very many circles today; it sounds so out-of-place in our contemporary world. But there was a day when it was a foregone conclusion that young ladies sought their fathers’ company and drew strength from it. It is a biblical concept as well; honor your earthly father in every way, and your heavenly Father will greatly bless you.
I realize there are circumstances that would warrant a woman working outside her home. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. My life has been greatly blessed by women doctors, midwives, and nurses who have cared for me through childbearing and various health problems, and I am grateful to them. What I do know, is that God will not call any of us to contradict His word, and if we ask Him, He will show us the way to be obedient to it.
I find it rather puzzling to observe several homeschooling mothers who have devoted themselves full-time all their married lives to the honorable profession of training up their children in the fear of the Lord, but who are now encouraging, even urging, their grown daughters to find careers outside the home. Why is this?
I have now been a full-time homemaker for over twenty years, and I can honestly say that home is my favorite place to be. I find so much there to fulfill and stretch me as a person, as well as to minister to others. Our home has become a gathering place for other families who come into our lives, for food, fun, and fellowship. My life is rich with the fatness of joy and laughter, mixed with the hard times. There is no place I’d rather be.
So I say to you, dear mother, or young lady: Is your heart wandering? Are you looking outside the walls of your own home for fulfillment, searching for another place to camp? Or is your heart centered on home? My life is living testimony to the fact that God is able to change our hearts and give us contentment and joy unspeakable through serving our families at home. Will you trust Him to do such a work for you?
Update, July 2014: Naomi is now the happy mother of four children, and my best friend! My younger daughter Alexa just turned 21. She works for my son Nathan at Ziplinegear.com as a marketing graphics designer, outside the home, while still living with us. She intends to quit working when she is married. She has not lost her vision as a woman come home. I am thankful for that.
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| The Sleadd Clan. Back Row, l-to-r: Caleb, Nathanael and Naomi Phillips, Colleen and Nathan Sleadd, Emily and Aaron Sleadd, Alexa Front Row, l-to-r: John; Voyla Steves, matriarch; Arden |
Update, July 2014: Naomi is now the happy mother of four children, and my best friend! My younger daughter Alexa just turned 21. She works for my son Nathan at Ziplinegear.com as a marketing graphics designer, outside the home, while still living with us. She intends to quit working when she is married. She has not lost her vision as a woman come home. I am thankful for that.
*Caveat: I am not opposed to women making money. There are many opportunities to work at home. The ideal situation is for both husband and wife to work at home together. This is not practical for many, including our own family, but it is an ideal to consider.
Resources Recommended
Changing the Heart of a Rebel, and Why Satan Wants Your Firstborn, Dr. S. M. Davis, Teaching tapes available on CD and DVD, visionforum.com.
Arden Sleadd is the home-educating mother of five children and grandmother of eight. She is an independent distributor for Young Living Essential Oils, Member #1579733. See her business page, Arden's Garden, on Facebook. Her husband John is pastor of Household of Faith Community Church of Grants Pass.
Copyright 2003, 2014. All Rights Reserved. For permission to publish or reproduce contact ardensleadd@gmail.com.
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