Contentment: Common Myths

This article was previously published in November 2012.

Ultimately, our contentment does not derive from our circumstances, our behavior, or our friends and family. It derives from the Person of Jesus Christ. Is He your Source? 

Am I content at home? I can say, irrevocably, yes. How did I arrive there? It wasn't easy. But you may have a different notion of what I mean by the word content, so let me elucidate further. Here are some myths about what contentment looks and feels like.

Myth #1: Contentment means I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

NO, sorry, that won't happen until, well, I've died and gone to heaven. It doesn't mean everything in my life is the way I want it. Contentment consists of knowing the parameters of real life in an imperfect world where I will live imperfectly, with circumstances likewise imperfect, and accepting them. Peace comes when you know you are doing the right thing, brightening the corner where you are, and pleasing your Lord and Savior.

Paul speaks here. Philippians 4:11-1(ESV)

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Myth #2: Contentment at home means no conflicts.

My daughter recently said to me, "Sometimes it feels like our home is a battle ground." We had had an especially tough period with conflict and relational difficulties. I rubbed her back and said, "Well, hopefully most of the time it is a refuge. But there will be battles to be fought, and if we don't fight them, then problems can fester and get worse."

Myth #3: Contentment means I'm just waiting through this temporary season of my life until I can leave.

If you have little children in your home and you are salving yourself with the comforting thought that your present situation is only temporary, then you haven't really given you heart to your children. You are still looking for an escape plan. With true contentment comes an abiding joy, a desire to be home indefinitely, even after the children are grown and you have grandchildren to visit you. It doesn't mean you can't someday take a job or volunteer outside your home. But that shouldn't be a pie-in-the-sky vision for you as if then--and only then--you will get to fulfill your true potential and be happy. The grass is always greener on the other side. But, like the Three Billy Goats Gruff, you may find a menacing troll lurking under the bridge, or poisonous weeds mingled in that luscious grass you so coveted. In other words, don't expect the greener grass to make you happy.

Myth #4: Contentment means I'll settle for this season at home until I can finally follow MY real calling, to pursue MY gifts.

I think there is too much emphasis among some Christians about the need to identify one's spiritual gifts in order to pursue them. It can quickly become a poorly-veiled attempt at self-actualization. God doesn't give you gifts in order to feel more fulfilled. He gives them to you to serve others. 

Your calling IS to serve your family. Put your family first, serve them well, and your gifts will automatically be employed. You will also find out what weaknesses you need to improve on. Family life is intended to be a sanctifying experience. It's not easy. Do hard things.

This may be hard teaching for you. There are times when we need to hear some hard teaching. I pray that the Holy Spirit will use it in your life to mould you into His likeness.

Ultimately, our contentment does not derive from our circumstances, our behavior, or our friends and family. It derives from the Person of Jesus Christ. Is He your Source?

3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. -Titus 2 ESV

Almost an Empty Nester

May 23, 2015: Granddaughter Cedar, Husband John, Son Caleb, and me.

Last month my youngest son graduated from high school home school.

It was a milestone, a cause for pause.

Caleb gave an amusing four-minute speech, well-constructed, with famous quotes, scripture, and personal anecdotes. Being former speech club founders, we parents had reason to be proud. On the podium, he gave me flowers and hug. His father gave a blessing. It was good.

Thus ended, officially, my homeschool years with my five children. Yet I had little to do with Caleb's schooling during the last two years as he became an independent learner. I had worked my way out of a job, which was my intention. Still, on those occasions when he asked me to do school with him just to help him focus on the work, my heart was warmed. "I'm still needed!"

Caleb

Last year I went through Empty Nest Syndrome, of a sort, as I tried to redefine my role and function. What would I do with myself now? I offered my tutoring services to my grown children who now are parents, but they were well-equipped to go it on their own, or had joined a co-op. They didn't need me. I advertised to the larger community online and on facebook, but rarely got a response. "No one needs me anymore," and I fell into self-pity, a frequent temptation for me as I continue to struggle with health issues that limit my options.

I'm so over that now. I have plenty to do, as you can see by my bio on my About Me page. I have grandchildren to visit, two writing students to teach, and a house and garden to offer in ministry to others. I have a women's Bible study in my home, which has been a great blessing. And I have a side income with Young Living.

When I told a friend I was an empty-nester now, she corrected me by saying, "Well, he hasn't moved out yet, right? So you still have some parenting to do." And that's true. I still end up nagging him when I'm not careful.

God is not finished with me yet.

What does Contentment Look Like? Some Common Myths

Am I content at home? I can say, irrevocably, YES. How did I arrive there? It wasn't easy. But you may have a different notion of what I mean by the word content, so let me elucidate further. Here are some myths about what contentment looks and feels like.

Myth #1: Contentment means I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

NO, sorry, that won't happen until, well, I've died and gone to heaven. It doesn't mean everything in my life is the way I want it. Contentment consists of knowing the parameters of real life in an imperfect world where I will live imperfectly, with circumstances likewise imperfect, and accepting them. Peace comes when you know you are doing the right thing, brightening the corner where you are, and pleasing your Lord and Savior.

Paul speaks here. Philippians 4:11-1(ESV)

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Myth #2: Contentment at home means no conflicts.

My daughter recently said to me, "Sometimes it feels like our home is a battle ground." We had had an especially tough period with conflict and relational difficulties. I rubbed her back and said, "Well, hopefully most of the time it is a refuge. But there will be battles to be fought, and if we don't fight them, then problems can fester and get worse."

Myth #3: Contentment means I'm just waiting through this temporary season of my life until I can leave.

If you have little children in your home and you are salving yourself with the comforting thought that your present situation is only temporary, then you haven't really given you heart to your children. You are still looking for an escape plan. With true contentment comes an abiding joy, a desire to be home indefinitely, even after the children are grown and you have grandchildren to visit you. It doesn't mean you can't someday take a job or volunteer outside your home. But that shouldn't be a pie-in-the-sky vision for you as if then--and only then--you will get to fulfill your true potential and be happy. The grass is always greener on the other side. But, like the Three Billy Goats Gruff, you may find on your way to that green pasture on the other side,  an ogre lurking under the bridge, or poisonous weeds mingled in that luscious grass you so coveted.

Myth #4: Contentment means I'll settle for this season at home until I can finally follow MY real calling, to pursue MY gifts.

I think there is too much emphasis among some Christians about the need to identify one's spiritual gifts in order to pursue them. It can quickly become a poorly-veiled attempt at self-actualization. God doesn't give you gifts in order to feel more fulfilled. He gives them to you to serve others. Your calling IS to serve your family. Put your family first, serve them well, and your gifts will automatically be employed in the process, without any effort of your own. You will also find out what weaknesses you need to work on and strengthen. Family life is intended to be a sanctifying experience. It's not easy. Do hard things.

This may be hard teaching for you. There are times when we need to hear some hard teaching. I pray that the Holy Spirit will use it in your life to mould you into His likeness.

³ Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, ⁴ and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. -Titus 2 ESV

Contentment or Duty? Woman Come Home Part 3

So we were studying 2 Samuel 7 and 1 Chronicles 17 in the women's Bible study. It tells about King David wanting to build a temple, and God's response to him. God says (and I paraphrase), "Have I been complaining about not having a house of cedar? Have I asked for one? It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in...I will build for you a house. I will raise up your offspring after you, one of your own sons, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for me...I will not take my steadfast love from him, but I will confirm him in my house and in my kingdom forever..."

I am not one to put much stock in what I think I hear God saying to me, because I have ended up being wrong too many times. But in this instance God's message to me was clear as crystal. He was saying, "All these activities you are involved in, that you are trying to do for my name? They are good things. They just aren't what I have in mind for YOU. I have others in mind for them. I have given you children, and a home, and I will raise up others from your house to do those things, to carry out the pro-life message, to save babies, to spread the gospel, to change the world. You concentrate on your own house, and I will bless the results. You plant and water your seeds there, focus on your children, and I will cause the growth."

Oh how I argued with God then. I said, "But God, I have already made all these new commitments. I can't be flaky. Surely you don't want me to flake out?!" and I didn't pay heed. Oh how I wish I had listened.

Within months I fell ill with mycoplasmal bronchitis, followed by hypothyroidism, followed by fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Twenty-one years later, I am still sick, often house-bound by the symptoms. I am convinced God placed a severe mercy on me, to stop the treadmill I was on and give my heart to my children. He loves those whom he chastens.

So is it contentment or duty that drives me in my service at home? Sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other. When I am not content, I do what I know is right, out of duty, but most of the time I love what I do at home. It gives me plenty of scope for the imagination, to take dominion right here on our acre of wooded ground. I only grieve that my health doesn't allow me to do more, but I know my worth is not defined by what I do so much as who I AM, in Christ.

And now, I have an eighteen-year-old daughter who has won national awards for her speaking up for the right to life. She visits college campuses and spreads the message of life. God has fulfilled his promises to me. God is good.

Contentment or Duty? Woman Come Home Part 2

I was googling the topic of contentment-at-home the other day, and found some great websites and blogs out there, some better than others. One of the best was here: the Christian Work-at-Home Mom.

I too struggled with being content at home when, in 1991, I came home from the career world for good.  I found that it was frankly boring to be alone with two young children all day long. I knew my children needed me, that they were the most important people in my life, that I was where God wanted me, and yet...I had gotten used to the positive ego strokes I got by being around adults in the working world. So, I started looking for escape routes.

One escape route was the phone. Another was church. A third was volunteer work. I utilized all three to excess.

Then there was that bout with lupus affecting my psyche. In 1987 I had all the signs and symptoms of it--positive blood titers, aching joints, fatigue--and then after three months of pain it all went away. There is no cure for lupus, so I had to be healed from above--but in those few years afterward, it wasn't clear if it would return or not. After grieving over the death of my self-image as a strong, healthy person, I felt driven--driven to change the world while I still had time. For four years I enjoyed good health, had two more children--and kept changing the world.

The children soon figured out that they were competing with the phone for attention, and created drama whenever I was talking on it. When I hung up, they suddenly stopped the fighting and noise. Uh-HUH--this is not good, I thought. Guess I'd better be more attentive to them. So I used nap time for phone calls.

Still, John and I had church choir on Wednesday nights, where we dropped the kids off in the church daycare. That was making for too busy a week-night schedule, so we quit the choir.

But the real draw for me was socio-political activism. Those were the heady days of Operation Rescue, when prolife causes were brought to the fore. I led a chapter of Concerned Women for America in our church and planned events for outside speakers to instruct and inspire us. We started San Joaquin Prolife Council, and supported prolife candidates (we actually succeeded in helping Richard Pombo get elected to Congress). I organized over 100 churches to stage the Life Chain annually in Stockton, CA. We attended school board meetings when a furor developed over the Impressions literature curriculum chosen in the district John and I worked in. I counseled pregnant women against abortion at the local pregnancy counseling center. I spoke and debated on high school and college campuses for the cause of life. I was on radio and television. I even pressured John to run for the school board, saying, "If you don't run I will!"

And I was plagued by the gnawing feeling that I was neglecting my children. My body was at home, but my heart was not. And they knew it. Especially my eldest daughter. Her temper tantrums were still a problem, even after I came home to stay. We were not on good terms.

We came home late one night after another school board meeting, and I walked in to see the living room floor strewn with clothes and toys, the bedroom lights on and the children jumping on the beds, carrying on long past their bedtimes. Where was the babysitter? Sound asleep on the bunk bed--oblivious to the noise and lights. We never used that babysitter again, but I felt responsible and guilty for leaving my children with a stranger again.

Then there was Bible Study Fellowship. That was an awesome influence on my life; even though the children were again being watched by others, they (and I) were being taught the Bible in a systematic way. In my next post, I will tell how God used the story of David to speak to my heart.

Review: Created To Be His Help Meet by Debbie Pearl

It's been over a year since I finally read this book, so I can look back and say it has made a big difference in my marriage!  Created to be His Help Meet by Deb Pearl is a hard-hitter, pulling no punches when it comes to confronting the most common excuses we come up with as wives to justify our poor attitudes towards our husbands.

The most impacting statement in the book that has stuck with me is "You are not your husband's conscience!" That was like a sword to my heart. Here all along I thought I was his conscience, and didn't realize it! That realization alone helped me to back way off on pronouncements about my husband's plans, his time management, etc.  I realize they are not for me to correct or change. He is following the Lord, and the Lord will lead him or not, but it's not my game.

I have often tried to protect our family from lack of attention and time on his part, to a fault. Rather than ask questions, I have made pronouncements and judgements. Of course they were not well-received due to the spirit with which I made them. While there are some things I would still like to change, I am so deeply in love with my husband, who for 27 years has faithfully provided for me and has never been at lack for a well-paying job; who has stood by my side through 20 years of illness; who has aggressively led our family in spiritual endeavors and fun-filled adventures. Who am I to complain?

Deb Pearl has pointed out that a man's basic needs really are not so much to whine about. He just wants warm food for his belly, warm clothes for his back, and a warm partner in bed. Is it really so much to ask?

Pearl also addresses the hyper-spiritualizing trends among women today which are not grounded in scripture, calling it the spirit of Jezebel. She paints our lives as women in very practical, down-to-earth terms. Those women who aspire to great heights of spirituality are causing their own discontentment, when a few minutes a day of prayer and Bible study should be sufficient. Grow up, move on, give your man good sex, he's not a pervert. (She also addresses perversion where it is real.) What is the essence of being a true helpmeet if it is not to actually help?

There is one caveat I would offer. Some of her micro-descriptions of male types don't quite ring true. Take them for what they're worth. Her general observations on types are helpful if you don't carry them too far; they are, after all, generalizations.

There is more excellent advice on modesty, childcare, cooking, etc. On the whole, Created to Be His Help Meet is a keeper worth multiple frequent readings and may in time be regarded as a classic in Christian literature. While the issues addressed are especially relevant to our day, those issues have tempted and plagued women throughout history.

Loving It at Home

I haven't said much lately about the theme of this blog: learning contentment and creativity at home as a full-time wife and mother. But I hope by letting you see a little of my personal life in recent blogs, that you can ascertain how full and joyful my life is. I love being at home!

This week my husband and three children-still-at-home are spending a couple of nights at Lake of the Woods, Oregon, camping with other families and friends. I am looking forward to these days of solitude, to do some cramming--er, reading for our homeschool year to start in a week. I am excited about another year to spend learning exciting things with my two youngest children, Alexa and Caleb. Sigh. Only two left. Sounds like a breeze. But I've chosen an ambitious curricular schedule for them, much of it new to me as well as to them, so it will be a challenge. I am utilizing much of the program developed for Classical Conversations by Leigh Bortin. We will study Latin (which I have done before with Naomi) and Biology by Apologia, and good old Saxon for math. We will do a lot of memorization of facts--history timeline by Veritas, grammar facts, Bible verses, science, geography, etc.--Oh, I can hardly wait.

But I am reminded that my enthusiasm will wane as the winter months drag on, and we will probably find ourselves way behind in some things. That's okay. I can make plans, but the Lord will direct my steps. He will give me just enough time to get done just what He wants me to get done. I can rest in that assurance.